Forgiveness

It's been awhile since I've blogged. I was busy pretending that I didn't have time. The reality is, I've been running away from the nagging topic of forgiveness.
Three years ago I met the man who I was sure was "THE ONE". I was so happy that God had brought Mr. Right into my life, the one I would love, raise a family with, and who would take care of me as we grew old together. We spent hours getting to know each other, sharing our deepest thoughts, fears, and secrets. Nine months after we met, he put a ring on my finger and asked me to be his wife. I was on cloud nine. Then everything went south. The man I loved turned into a jealous, controlling, unfaithful, disrespectful person. He seemed to find great delight in putting me down and humiliating me. I believed every word he said when he told me that he was doing me a favor by marrying me. After running me down, he would tell me how much he loved me and looked forward to our life together. Long story short... I didn't marry him.
It still hurts. I deal with these things every day. I've locked up my heart and thrown away the key because I don't want to get hurt again. I've done a pretty good job of convincing myself that everything that went wrong in that relationship was my fault. I've spent two years being sure that I'm "damaged goods", and that no one will want me after all the trouble I've caused. I'm terrified of being vulnerable, because I'm sure someone will take advantage of me again.
Then the journey began. I'm learning that all these things I have held as truth are really lies. God has put some amazing people in my life to remind me that I am loved and beautiful. It's a slow process though. At times it seems like I take one step forward and two steps back.
Forgiveness is in order here. I need forgiveness for doubting my worth and for believing the lies. Forgiveness for not allowing my friends and family to embrace me and love me through the hard times. I need to forgive this person who has hurt me so deeply. It hurts. It's hard. I'm not there yet, but I hope to be someday...
"There are people in your life who've come and gone.
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride.
Better put it all behind you babe, cause life goes on.
You keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby.
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
but my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
but I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness..."

Attitude

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes." --Charles Swindoll

Like a child

I spent most of the day at Children's Hospital in Seattle, hanging out with my 3 year old nephew, Jordan. He's spent a large portion of his life there, fighting a rare disease that doctors will never be able to cure, and that will eventually take his life. He's an amazing little guy, though. He's been through nearly 20 surgeries, and still is full of life and joy. He's every bit as silly as any other 3 year old boy, and just as naughty too, but everything he does makes me smile. Like when I was about to leave, and asked him to give me a kiss goodbye... he stuck his foot up in the air and said, "First give my foot a kiss!" Of course I did (who knows where that foot has been?!), then he obliged and gave me a real kiss. As I walked out of his room and down the hall, I heard him call out, "I love you the most, Auntie Chel!" Wow.
I'm amazed by Jordan. He has so many physical hurts in his life, yet he is able to smile, laugh, and be silly. What has happened to us? When did we lose the childlike qualities that we once had? When did we stop giggling till our tummies ached, jumping in puddles, and living our lives with pure joy? Who says that being a grown up has to be boring? I'm inspired once again by Jordan. Inspired to live my life with a childlike faith, to quit taking myself and my life so seriously.
"Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I assure you, anyone who doesn't have their kind of faith will never get into the Kingdom of God." (Mark 10:15)
I love you the most! Have a great week! :)

Sticks & Stones

Was talking to a good friend last night about this journey we have all been on the past few weeks. I told her about choosing to dance like nobody's watching. She said "Michelle, you hate to dance. And besides that, you're terrible at it. I've seen you." I tried to explain the figurative meaning of the phrase, but the explanation was lost on her. "No really, Michelle. You're awful". Ouch. Bear in mind this is one of my best friends telling me this. You know what? I believed her. She complimented me later in our conversation... but I can't remember what she said. It's exactly like Scott said on Sunday about how we can receive a hundred compliments and ignore them but we hear one criticism or negative thing, and we carry it with us. Her words echoed in my mind all day today "You're terrible, you're awful". It gave me a sick feeling of satisfaction to know that she had validated what I so often feel about myself. Now I just feel sick. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Yeah right.
It's time to cut the crap. I'm tired of only hearing the negative. I'm not awful. I'm a child of God. What's it going to take for all of us to stop listening to the world, and start listening to the Father who loves us so much that he counts every hair on our head?
"How precious are your thoughts about me, oh God! They are innumerable! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up in the morning, you are still with me!" (Psalm 139:17-18) God thinks about each one of us all the time. He thinks we're wonderful, amazing, lovable people. Ya know what? I think He's right.

Walls

"another wall gone. let's use the stones from the wall to pave the path to God."
Rose's comment on Annette's blog got me thinking about what my path would look like if I tore down the walls in my life.
I want to tear down the wall of self hate that keeps me from believing that I'm loved and beautiful. I want to tear down the walls that have been built between me and God every time I've compromised. I want to tear down the walls of insecurity that hold me back from being who I really am. I want to tear down the walls of anger-- anger at myself, at those who have hurt me, and at God. I want to tear down the walls of perfectionism that I've carefully constructed to make everyone think that my life is wonderful. I want to tear down the walls of fear that bind me to what is "safe". I want to tear down the walls that I have put up every time I've been betrayed or left for the next best thing. I want to tear down the walls of timidity so that I can stand up for what I believe in without being afraid or ashamed. I want to tear down the walls of self consciousness, so that I can dance down my newly paved path like nobody's watching.
Somebody get me a sledgehammer.

Getting Real

Confrontation scares me. I'd rather run and hide than face it. And now I'm being confronted with my biggest fear of all-- being myself. It would be so much easier to ignore all of this, to keep wearing the mask and playing the game that I've gotten so good at. To keep smiling and laughing when what I really want to do is scream and cry. I despise this war that is going on inside of me. People like the me they see on the outside, why rock the boat and shock them all with the reality that I carry around daily? Who is going to stick around when I finally get real and honest with myself and everyone else? Who I am deep down inside is not a very lovable person, someone I don't really even care for. Just the thought of being open and vulnerable makes me want to puke. I want so desperately to be free, but I'm paralyzed with fear at the thought of it.

Not perfect, just forgiven

"I've learned the path to heaven is full of sinners and believers, I've learned that happiness on earth ain't just for high achievers." (from "Red Dirt Road" by Brooks & Dunn)

Someone at work today noticed my tattoo and asked what it was all about. For those of you who don't know, it's a picture of a fish with the Latin words for "Jesus, Way, Truth, Life" in a circle around it. So after I explained the meaning to him, he just rolls his eyes and says "oh yeah I forgot you're one of those perfect, holier-than-thou Christian types".
It was weird... I've never been confronted like that before. I grew up in a Christian home, went to church twice every Sunday, and went to a Christian school from Kindergarten through grade 12. I've never really been around people who didn't love Jesus as much as I do. I didn't know how to respond to this guy and to be honest, it scared the crap out of me.
My answer to him? No I'm not perfect... God knows I'm not even close. I try not to come across as holier-than-thou, but if I have... I'm sorry. Yes, I'm a Christian. Yes, I'm a Jesus Freak. Yes, I've been forgiven. Thats it, that's who I am.

Happily Ever After

Ever since I was a little girl, I have wanted to be a princess. For as long as I can remember, I've been dreaming of the day when Prince Charming would ride up on his horse and carry me off into the sunset. I dreamed of happily ever after where we would live in a beautiful castle on a hill with plenty of room to raise little princes and princesses. As a child, I imagined my prince to be a combination of the men in my life: strong like my daddy, funny like grandpa (bonus points if he could wiggle his ears), and handsome like Malibu Ken.
Well, I'm all grown up, and the afore-mentioned prince has yet to show his face in the fairy tale I call my life. I've kissed a lot of potential princes along the way who turned out to be icky frogs. I've given my heart away in hopes that I would receive the same in return. Always trying to earn love from whoever was willing to give it to me. But all I ended up with was a broken heart and shattered dreams.
What I have failed to realize until church in the park last Sunday, is that no person on earth is going to fulfill all my needs, and I'll never be able to accept love from anyone until I can acknowledge that Jesus truly sees me as beautiful, lovable and amazing. He is the lover of my soul, my true Prince, my Knight in shining armor. He is the one who makes us ready for true, lasting, human love. And He is the one that meets our deepest needs when human love falls short. No horse, no sunset, no castle... just the Prince of my dreams, and the most priceless gift I'll ever be given.

In my life...

I'm a list maker. I must have half a dozen lists going right now... things to do, things to buy, even a list of what Christmas presents I'm buying people this year! For the past 5 years or so, I've also been keeping a list simply titled "In My Life". On it I list all the things I want to do in my life. I take it out once in awhile to read it and occasionally add things to it, but I've never crossed anything off. Until last Friday. I put on my brave face, walked into a tattoo parlor, and crossed #11 off the list. I was feeling pretty empowered, so I re-read it to see what I could do next. Halfway down (#17) was "dance like nobody's watching". It's been there for at least 2 years, so why has it taken me so long to get there? Why was having permanent ink put in my skin more important than letting go of the hurts, disappointments, failures and insecurities? Because as long as I hold on to those things, I have something to hide behind. But hiding takes a lot of energy, and I'm tired of it. I don't want to hide anymore. I want to dance like nobody's watching, live my life for an audience of one. I want to be free.
Maybe I'll go skydiving next...