Getting Real

Confrontation scares me. I'd rather run and hide than face it. And now I'm being confronted with my biggest fear of all-- being myself. It would be so much easier to ignore all of this, to keep wearing the mask and playing the game that I've gotten so good at. To keep smiling and laughing when what I really want to do is scream and cry. I despise this war that is going on inside of me. People like the me they see on the outside, why rock the boat and shock them all with the reality that I carry around daily? Who is going to stick around when I finally get real and honest with myself and everyone else? Who I am deep down inside is not a very lovable person, someone I don't really even care for. Just the thought of being open and vulnerable makes me want to puke. I want so desperately to be free, but I'm paralyzed with fear at the thought of it.