I'm loved
"Picture a giant dump truck full of love. There you are behind it. God lifts the bed until the love starts to slide. Slowly, at first, then down, down, down until you are hidden, buried, covered in His love."
This is the text on a card I received today. There was no return address on the envelope, and the card wasn't signed. Simply the words "remember you are loved". I have no idea who sent it. I guess it really doesn't matter.
I have such a hard time accepting the fact that I'm worthy of love. In my head it makes sense. I've been told all my life that I'm loved. My parents, sisters, and friends have all made it abundantly clear that they love me. When I hear the words "I love you", I choke. They go in one ear and out the other, pausing briefly on the way through, just long enough for me to think "well they have to say that, they're my family/friends". They're obligated to say it. I've never been able to take those words and really hear them. I've never internalized them, or made them a part of who I am. I've never treasured the fact that I am loved, never basked in the warmth of abundant love, because I don't feel that I'm worthy of it.
So there I was, wondering who it could be that loves me enough to send me this card.
Then a friend called and asked if I wanted to come over for awhile. I did. We had fun. :) On my way home it was raining and I was stuck behind a couple of VERY slow cars. They turned off onto other roads, and I found the culprit of the slow moving traffic. A dump truck. Great, I think. I'm never gonna get around this guy. God has a funny sense of humor sometimes. So I'm creeping along down the highway at 30 mph (that's about 48 km/h for my Canadian friends). I'm looking up at the back of this huge truck, wondering how many tons of dirt/gravel/etc it can carry. Couldn't come up with a number on my own, so I decided the scientific answer was "a whole bunch".
When I got home I was still wondering, so I looked it up online and found out that the average dump truck can carry 20-25 tons of material. Wow. Then the lightbulb came on... God loves me more than that. Wow, that's a lot. Now I'm just working on accepting it.
This is the text on a card I received today. There was no return address on the envelope, and the card wasn't signed. Simply the words "remember you are loved". I have no idea who sent it. I guess it really doesn't matter.
I have such a hard time accepting the fact that I'm worthy of love. In my head it makes sense. I've been told all my life that I'm loved. My parents, sisters, and friends have all made it abundantly clear that they love me. When I hear the words "I love you", I choke. They go in one ear and out the other, pausing briefly on the way through, just long enough for me to think "well they have to say that, they're my family/friends". They're obligated to say it. I've never been able to take those words and really hear them. I've never internalized them, or made them a part of who I am. I've never treasured the fact that I am loved, never basked in the warmth of abundant love, because I don't feel that I'm worthy of it.
So there I was, wondering who it could be that loves me enough to send me this card.
Then a friend called and asked if I wanted to come over for awhile. I did. We had fun. :) On my way home it was raining and I was stuck behind a couple of VERY slow cars. They turned off onto other roads, and I found the culprit of the slow moving traffic. A dump truck. Great, I think. I'm never gonna get around this guy. God has a funny sense of humor sometimes. So I'm creeping along down the highway at 30 mph (that's about 48 km/h for my Canadian friends). I'm looking up at the back of this huge truck, wondering how many tons of dirt/gravel/etc it can carry. Couldn't come up with a number on my own, so I decided the scientific answer was "a whole bunch".
When I got home I was still wondering, so I looked it up online and found out that the average dump truck can carry 20-25 tons of material. Wow. Then the lightbulb came on... God loves me more than that. Wow, that's a lot. Now I'm just working on accepting it.
posted by Michelle @ 11:45 PM
2 Comments:
At October 6, 2004 11:00 AM,
rose said…
even though i have only met you once, we seem to be on the same wavelengths. our last couple of blogs seem to match.
on sunday night i found myself accepting my worth (for the first time in years). i still accept it. i'm sure doubts will keep crawling back in, and i'll have to fight to continue to beleive it.
keep working on the acceptance, the feeling is such a reward. and if you want help, i'm in the church directory. 8)
At October 6, 2004 5:54 PM,
Susy said…
I too have a hard time accepting that God loves me, but not only that but people love me too
more than "a whole bunch"
but creeping along at 48km... that's regualr city speed, it's not that slow :-)
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