Forgiveness

It's been awhile since I've blogged. I was busy pretending that I didn't have time. The reality is, I've been running away from the nagging topic of forgiveness.
Three years ago I met the man who I was sure was "THE ONE". I was so happy that God had brought Mr. Right into my life, the one I would love, raise a family with, and who would take care of me as we grew old together. We spent hours getting to know each other, sharing our deepest thoughts, fears, and secrets. Nine months after we met, he put a ring on my finger and asked me to be his wife. I was on cloud nine. Then everything went south. The man I loved turned into a jealous, controlling, unfaithful, disrespectful person. He seemed to find great delight in putting me down and humiliating me. I believed every word he said when he told me that he was doing me a favor by marrying me. After running me down, he would tell me how much he loved me and looked forward to our life together. Long story short... I didn't marry him.
It still hurts. I deal with these things every day. I've locked up my heart and thrown away the key because I don't want to get hurt again. I've done a pretty good job of convincing myself that everything that went wrong in that relationship was my fault. I've spent two years being sure that I'm "damaged goods", and that no one will want me after all the trouble I've caused. I'm terrified of being vulnerable, because I'm sure someone will take advantage of me again.
Then the journey began. I'm learning that all these things I have held as truth are really lies. God has put some amazing people in my life to remind me that I am loved and beautiful. It's a slow process though. At times it seems like I take one step forward and two steps back.
Forgiveness is in order here. I need forgiveness for doubting my worth and for believing the lies. Forgiveness for not allowing my friends and family to embrace me and love me through the hard times. I need to forgive this person who has hurt me so deeply. It hurts. It's hard. I'm not there yet, but I hope to be someday...
"There are people in your life who've come and gone.
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride.
Better put it all behind you babe, cause life goes on.
You keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby.
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
but my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
but I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness..."